10 Ways to Survive
Building or Remodeling Your Home
by Julie
Lohmeier
Building or remodeling a
home is a stressful experience. Right up there with
visiting in-laws and getting root canals. So here's some
advice for finding the silver lining on this often
difficult time.
1. Think of the project
as a new diet.
Who doesn't want to lose at least five pounds?
This is one way to do it. Between running to stores all day and evening
long, meeting with contractors, inspecting the work, searching the Western world
for the perfect light fixture, who has time to eat? Provided you don't sabotage
this new, unorthodox diet plan, with McDonalds drive through, you're good for
losing five pounds. If you are a masochistic type who does some of the work
yourself - whether it be painting, laying tile, landscaping the yard - you can
count on another five to ten pounds of weight loss. Just think, you may be
miserable, frustrated, exhausted, nd down right cynical about the good of the
humankind, but your jeans will fit nicely!
2. Write checks as aerobic exercise.
These workouts are great for toning the wrist and
fingers. Usually done in hectic spurts as you race out the door in the morning
while the contractors are breathing down your neck and your kids are beating
each other with the lunch boxes you just prepared, the stress and frantic
activity are sure to raise your heartbeat for a good hour. Grumbling under
your breath that the plumber, electrician, or you name it, isn't really worth
this much money adds greater intensity and calorie burn to this little
publicized exercise regime.
3. Save money through shopping burnout.
Yes, even the most die-hard shopper will come to
dread setting foot in any store. This affliction starts innocently enough
as you go to look for light fixtures. How hard can it be? Hard! Either the
light you want is being shipped from Yugoslavia and won't arrive until your
youngest child buys his own home, or you just can't find the one you want.
You'll shop every lighting and electrical store you know. You'll search Home
Depot. You'll haunt hardware stores. And then there's plumbing fixtures. Sink
centers, faucet handles, finishes, special orders. What's all that about?
And the cost. You'd think you were outfitting the palace for a former third
world dictator. Of course, there's carpet, tile, hardwood, stairs, siding,
windows. Enough already. And you thought it was a pain picking mints and
sweet table treats for your wedding.
After your 1000th trip to Home Depot (or Lowes or
Menards or whatever), in addition to all the other trips you've made for items
that shouldn't count as shopping (toilet seats, for example), you've had it.
Your friends won't be able to bribe you to check out the latest sale at
Bloomingdales. You'll think it will be better when you can pick out "fun"
things like paint, wall paper, drapes, fabric, furniture - but don't bet on it.
At this point, the pressure to make your home look like something other than an
empty rat maze will counteract any joy in shopping. Spending this much money has
never been such a miserable experience. As a result, when your home
becomes half-way presentable, you'll refuse to shop again - even for groceries -
for at least six months. The money you save during this shopping hiatus
will be sufficient for you to resume this previously pleasurable past time once
more without guilt.
4. Impress your friends with obscure facts.
Only someone that has built or remodeled their home
can explain the fluid dynamics of a proper toilet water swirl. Or cite the
International Building Code that calls for no more than 6' between electrical
outlets. Or brag that triple glazed windows are really the wave of the
future for light emitting device technology. See what I mean?
5. Pride yourself on your new creative skills.
You'll discover a creative side that you never knew
existed. Like how to wash dishes in the bath tub. And how to make a full
course meal for a family of four using nothing more than a toaster and hot
plate. Or how to fit an entire family in a house smaller than your first
apartment. They say that necessity is the mother of invention. That's
probably true, but I also think that the only thing that separates modern and
pioneer life is just one kitchen or bath remodeling project.
6. Yell at someone other than your kids - and not
feel guilty.
Honestly, as a modern woman trying to juggle the
running of our homes, possibly a job, and the future Olympic soccer aspirations
of our children, you have the primal need to yell. At someone. Anyone. Often our
spouse and children suffer from this need of ours to release pent up negative
energy generated from nothing more than some miniature human leaving smelly gym
shoes on the kitchen table. (Ok, that probably deserves a bit of yelling - we
eat at this table!) But when you remodel your house, you have a whole cast
of characters - and believe me, they're characters - that often deserve a good
scream from time to time. Like when they tell you that they tore out the
fireplace because they didn't think it looked right. Or when they show you
a mistake made three weeks ago that now requires half the house to be torn down
in order to fix. Yelling isn't immature or a result of too much estrogen,
it's therapy.
7. Throw out (finally) your significant other's
treasured [fill in the blank] from his bachelor days.
You know what I mean. It could be the semi-nude
poster he won't get rid of. Or his collection of exotic beer cans. Or all of his
Sports Illustrated magazines since the Chicago Bears last won the Superbowl.
Now is the perfect time to get rid of it. If you need to move out of your
house while the remodeling is done, or you are moving to a new home, such an
opportune time may never occur again. Say it won't fit in the rental house. It's
either this or his golf clubs. Gently remind him that the sentimental item
really serves as a reminder of his advancing years. Anything. Get rid of it.
It will be one positive you can remind yourself of when the stress of remodeling
makes you feel that this project was the biggest mistake of your life.
8. Grow closer to your family through forced
bathroom sharing.
The saying goes that absence makes the heart grow
fonder. Perhaps that wise pundit had to share a closet sized bathroom with three
kids and a spouse. In reality, there's no greater way to create intimacy
in a family than by all trying to get ready for the morning in the same 7'x 5'
space. You'll learn new exciting things about your children - like toilet
paper is purely optional for little boys. You'll discover that there is no
bond quite like the one created when the entire family brushes their teeth
together over the same sink. You'll realize why the older generation of
your relatives only washed their hair once a week instead of facing communal
bathroom time. But most importantly, you'll no longer need to yell at your
kids to hurry up for school - they're standing right next to you.
9. Earn free flights from all of your purchases.
In what is admittedly (and somewhat sheepishly) the
only practical survival tip on this list, get an airline mileage credit card.
Charge everything on it - lights, plumbing fixtures, windows, doors, lumber,
carpet. The windows alone can get you close to one free trip.
Whether you decide to share your miles with anyone else in the family or to
escape on your own to a world of quiet solitude and, preferably, an open bar, is
entirely up to you.
10. Hire some good looking contractors and feel like
you're 15 years old again.
Hey, guys get a whole chain of restaurants and bars
where the main attraction is busty waitresses in tight t-shirts (Hooters). Why
can't us gals have some eye candy once in a while? Besides, it's a
productivity tool. You'll be more likely to inspect the job or meet the
architect if some young, fit, good-looking men are there - especially in the
summer months when shirts tend to become optional. For example, we once
hired a roofing crew of male model wannabees for a house we built. My husband
called them the "Beefcake Roofers." They created quite a stir in the
neighborhood that summer. Let me tell you, it made rushing to stop by the
house to go over notes with the trades first thing in the morning a bit more
interesting . and much more fun! Finally, remember, the end result of your new
house will be worth the aggravation of the process. Plus, think of all the good
stories you can tell!
© Julie Lohmeier. Along with her husband, Julie
Lohmeier is the veteran of numerous home remodeling and building projects. From
working hands on and doing much of the work herself to hiring contractors and
construction managers, she has seen the entire spectrum of home improvement. She
shares her remodeling tips, home decorating ideas, and other various rants at
http://www.myhomeredux.com. Or sign up for her free email newsletter at:
http://myhomeredux.typepad.com/blog/2005/09/get_my_home_red_2.html